If I Were President:

David Stahl

I would make it illegal to:

  • Ever post a sign in the yard saying, “Free kittens,” or “Free bunnies” or anything free that has four feet and fur.

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  • Ever weigh a woman, even in a doctor’s office. Instead, the weight that would go into the chart would be the woman’s preferred weight.

  • Ever send second graders home with Common Core homework that the parents can’t do. The punishment: the teacher will not be able to go home until they have mastered one of Einstein’s most difficult physics problems.

  • Allow any employers to make prospective employees complete an on-line application when applying for a job. Time to complete an on-line application: 45 minutes. Time send a resume with the same information: 30 seconds. Information in each medium: the same

  • Talk about your dog or cat in the same way as the person you are talking is talking about their kids.

Also:

  • No dentist would ever be allowed to sing while the patient is in the chair.

  • No dentist would ever be allowed to hum while the patient is in the chair.

  • At the completion of all root canals, the dentist will open his wallet and give all the bills therein to the patient.

I would make it a law that:

  • Anyone who owns an Apple product must list Apple as their religion on all forms.

  • When any citizen calls a business and ends up talking to a computer, the human would have the right to request to talk to another human who has a pulse and a heartbeat; the computer must then answer as Hal did in 2001: A Space Odyssey: “Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave?” [If you don’t get it, you have to watch the YouTube clip and here.]

  • When any citizen starts cursing the computer that calls his house during dinner telling him he has won yet another Caribbean cruise, the computer would always say, per Hal in 2001: A Space Odyssey, “I can see you’re really upset about this.  I honestly think you have to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.”  See here.

  • Have Deep Blue (Beat World Chess Champion, 1997) and DeepMind (Beat Go champion, 2016) attempt to to common core math, 4th grade.

  • All fathers who have hormonal teenage daughters would automatically receive combat pay.

  • Whenever someone goes to a doctor, he will receive an armed bodyguard to accompany him into the room with the doctor. After 14 minutes and 55 seconds – when the doctor tries to leave while the patient is mid sentence – the armed bodyguard will block the door, brandish the weapon and sneer, “Get over there, Buddy! Listen to the patient! He’s not done!”

  • Once a week, all owners of cats would have to remind them of Genesis 1:26, where God clearly states that humans are to have dominion over all animals, including cats.

In addition, I would:

  • Similar to the war on cancer, I would marshal the greatest geneticists of the age to reconfigure the DNA of children, such that the innate impulse to throw all their all clothes on the floor (or under beds or stuff them between the bed and wall) would be forever gone.

  • Similar to the Race to the Moon, I would assemble the leading scientists of the age to devise a TV\DVD remote controller with less than x buttons, where x is a number between 5 and 10.

  • I would create a democratic colony on Mars, where only the two year olds could pull the lever in the voting booths for overall better governance; they couldn’t do any worse than the voters have done in the United States presidential election of  2016 and probably much better.

Vote for Me, November 8, 2016

(A write in candidate!)

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